I posted this on Bsky earlier today, but it felt impassioned and significant enough to me to post it here, too.
I'm okay, and this isn't me giving up; quite the contrary. I'm just so very tired of such a pervasive issue having hamstrung me so thoroughly for years now, while doing nothing to facilitate me at any step of the way. It hasn't challenged me to improve my work. It's only ever been a problem - nothing but a hindrance to me.
For months now I've grappled hard with the notion of "making my business work," just so that I can survive and not end up destitute for the heinous crime against Capitalism of wanting to do what makes me happy.
Some who I've spoken to about it, well intentioned as they are, talk about "figuring out what pays," but -
I simply don't fucking want to any more.
I know that I ultimately have to if I want to function in such a garbage, back-asswards system we've been born into, but the rage and frustration I feel every fucking day that numbers get in the way of my lines has me feeling so fucking fed up. It is the way it is, but it sure as fucking hell shouldn't be, and I've had enough of acting like it.
This video encapsulates that feeling really well, and is what inspired me to write this out.
I don't want to care about how many likes I get any more.
I don't want to be beholden to a platform that lets my hard work sink the second people stop sharing it.
I don't want to work downstream to the success of my own fans.
I don't want to worry about the whims of an audience who might not even be for me.
I never did.
I just want to make what comes from my heart.
From the video: ".. the moment the business mind becomes the driver, the art turns into content. And content doesn't change lives.
"It just fills timelines."
Poetry.
I think about this every time I voice how anxious or tired I am, and am told “it’s okay to rest”. They mean it from a kind place, but the numbers don’t care if I need rest. The bank won’t hear me if I say I was exhausted. I don’t get time to make art for me without sacrificing precious resources from somewhere else. The number must be preserved, or I will die. All I can do is close my mind and try to pretend this isn’t how it is. A special kind of fatigue.
Agreed. It’s what keeps me up at night and keeps me in bed longer. Depression is an ugly war but no amount of antidepressants can unshackle me from the societal expectation to “make number go up forever”