Just when I thought I was in the clear, done with finding parts of myself that were integral to my being, I get pulled right back in - with shiny, tangled, golden ribbons, tied tightly around every limb.

Before I set out on my long stay at Garnet's, and all of the stuff happened including what made Rayna come about, I had a runin with DollParts, someone who has already featured on this site once before. It's almost as if you get foreshadowing baked into these posts, you just gotta know where to look for it. I certainly don't.

I felt a strong pull towards the idea of dollification after she and Cinna put on a show of it back when, and I wanted to find a way to indulge while still giving me a sense of being that little bit different - that little bit special. Given that I'd only gotten acquainted with Doll, neither did I want to ask for too much, nor suggest any sort of dynamic.

What I came up with instead was to ask her to give me ribbons, which would still act as good as strings, but stand out even in a lineup of other puppets, had they to be used. She rather expertly put me through a very pleasant induction over text, which I'd never had done to me before, and that was kind of it for several months. They came up in play from time to time, but acting more like a convenient leash, when I wasn't wearing one, than anything especially doll-coded.

I'd even made a tentative tattoo design, incorporating things I found especially integral to my sexual identity at the time.

The Egg for my oviposition and easter-related proclivities; the Omega symbol for my position in Garnet's polycule, which I found myself immediately taking to and feeling immensely comfortable in; and the Ribbon for its significance to me up to that point. The reason I chose ribbons, especially of that golden colour, is that they're part of my favourite heart emoji 💝, which I use to express gratitude and a sense of positivity and healing. Given that not much had come of that thread (ha) though, I didn't pursue it further.

That was, of course, until I visited my good friend Spid at the end of my stay in the UK.

They were one of those included and involved in the show that Doll put on, so she (and importantly, her headmates) understood very well what made a doll, a puppet, tick. Samuel, one of her more dominant alters, had his eyes on me for most of my stay. The night he got his talons on me was fateful.

He pulled my ribbons and plucked my strings, getting me so completely underfoot that had he not taken my permission to speak, I would've likely begged for more.

By the third time he allowed me to speak again, I'd made my mind up, and I was desperate; the first words right out of my mouth were clear and concise:

"Please make me a marionette, sir."

Not a doll, nor a puppet, but also both and somewhere in between. "Marionette" felt the most "right" to my mind, in its addled, obedient state, and while all are true, marionette is the one I now truly answer to.

Perfect, pink, porcelain skin, and rose gold skeleton. A modular body; able to stand free, but easily manipulated, or even modified, to the heart's content of those playing with it. Completely subject to one's whims, and possibly abuse, but still so precious and deserving of coveting and care.

It was a thrill to explore these feelings while on stream the week I got back home - the extent to which it offered a counter-balance to Rayna's agency and stronger presence was certainly not lost on me. I wondered if I was experiencing the recoil from the vixen's discovery, but given how the loose threads (or ribbons) had been there from well before, I feel confident that this is just as important an aspect of myself as what Rayna brings to the table.

While I was revelling in how good it felt to acknowledge it, the marionette even had its name found by my dear Sister Never: Antoinette. "Antoinette the marionette" has a lovely ring to it, and while I can't divulge the exact reasons why it was found or where it's from, it struck me how that name had basically been there all along, staring me in the face. Much like the piercing gaze of a doll.

Antoinette's presence has brought with it plenty of other considerations, but along with them a sense of completeness to my system as I've explored it thus far. I mentioned in Rayna's intro post that there's more for me to say about that, but for now I'll leave the rest for later uploads and art that are yet to be made.