It's now just a few days till I'm properly back home since I left at the beginning of December. It's been an amazing time.

Our life has truly grown far beyond what I could've hoped for just a few years ago, to the point where I now feel like my art - fantastical and idealised as it is - is what's lagging behind all that we've received, experienced, and learned lately. It's genuinely gotten hard to keep up, and calling ourselves "blessed" is an understatement. 💝

Visiting, living, and being with people who have grown close to us, contributed to, and been a part of this fucking crazy journey we've been on since we've started transitioning has made me ever more and endlessly grateful for what we have. The experiences we shared together were and will always be precious to me.

While giving room for my anxieties about my privilege and good fortune, I must trust that none of those involved would want this to be transactional, and that their appreciation of the time we had together is mutual; still, I feel I owe a great deal now, more than ever.

Importantly, though, what I owe is more fundamental than reciprocating: it's to be as much myself as I can possibly muster.

The biggest issue, which is what I've grappled with the hardest while on this latest trip, has been my apparent fear and apprehension of doing just that. I've grown a lot more gregarious with expressing and acting true to myself in person than I've ever been before, but even so, I've struggled to follow through in a similar way with my art.

That may come as a bit of a surprise given the subjects I've been posting about lately (perhaps not so much given the relative infrequency and simplicity of the art - though that's the anxieties talking again), but it's true. I've been extremely inspired lately on a regular basis with all the life I've been getting to live, but any time I have the opportunity to put that to good use, and channel it into my craft, I recoil. Cower, even.

Sapphire Synonym has been on my mind almost constantly ever since I came up with the concept. But as I've been trying to push through and commit to what has essentially been a lifelong goal of mine, the reluctance and apprehension I've felt about it all have only grown stronger.

I'm scared of it, and I can't explain why; not because I don't know, but because there's so many different reasons that I'm aware of. It would take too long and get me nowhere, and even so, I am painfully aware that a lot of the fears are only perceived, and not real. My perfectionism, fear of failure, aversion to commitment, and impatience on top of all that..

None of it matters if I could just Make. Draw. Create. Write. Share. Do. It's the only fix.

I am aware of the irony of chastising myself for not creating due to being effectively mentally unwell, but the frustration feels justified. My inaction is only prolonging the vicious cycle I feel stuck in, as I continue punishing myself for wanting to be ambitious with the work I ostensibly love to do. The list of ideas grows, with none of the follow-through.

Several people have discussed these issues with me multiple times over this trip to try to help me, but it still feels like I'm no closer to budging on this deep-seated fear of committing fully to creating things the way I so badly want to. I have so much going for me, and I feel very strongly that that should be enough for me to thrive.

While it ought to be as simple as getting to it once I'm back home again, my past struggles with doing just that - after trips which were even more eventful and inspiring than this - make me worry and doubt myself rather severely. While visiting my girlfriend Arwyn, she showed me some of the physical rewards that I used to send out to my patrons way back when, and she'd kept since then. One of the enclosed letters, dated 2017, had me discussing my ongoing insecurities, and with how many issues I described similar to those in this post, it genuinely read as though I may as well have written it today.

I just want to be okay, and find it a little easier to put in the work I need in order to succeed - not materially (although that would be a nice bonus), but at making the things I have the ambition for. I've done it before, and it's the entire reason why I'm on the path that I am today; but I feel like something is wrong, it has been for a while, and I'd very much like for it not to be any more.

Thank you for reading. 💝