But I know there's always a way forward.

I just have to figure out how to convince myself to take it.

I keep finding myself mired in this way. It hurts more acutely the harder I want to create.

Every time I learn and grow, it feels as if I meet myself with the stubbornness and apprehension to match.

Still, I'm determined to see this through. I'm not yet sure how, but I don't see this working out any other way.

I'm aware of the irony of making art to express an inability to make art, but this is a form of therapy that's free and available to me; so I'm going to continue using it.

This is a journal; This is a confession; This is exasperation; This is desperation; This is a cry for help; This is catharsis; This is therapy; This is praxis.

Is this melodramatic? It probably is, but I don't care.

Whatever it is, I'm simply fed up with the state of things surrounding my art: the world around me, the community it's a part of, my work ethic, headspace, disabilities, and mental illness. I decided to make something about it on the off chance that saying the things inside my head out loud might help to dislodge something that's been severely jamming up the works.

I'm sorry that I'm like this, and I'd prefer it if I wasn't; but I likewise wish things could have been better for me and my art in a thousand little ways that have all added up over the years of me doing this.

Consider this a plea for anyone who can help in any way, to do so - while acknowledging at the same time that I am part of "anyone," and that I've been trying my hardest to do so, too. I need reliable, consistent work, I need patrons, and I need reassurance that people will care about the things I truly want to make so that I'll be okay.

I obviously understand very well that I am ultimately the one most responsible for myself, and while acknowledging my own limits, I want to do better. Ideally, the best that I can.

I just need more help, because ultimately; I'm still only one bun.

I saw a post recently about how we outgrow our emotional coping mechanisms, likening it to a thick sweater we put on to keep ourselves warm (safe) when we were otherwise cold (less so) - but later, if and when things are hopefully warmer and safer, the sweater becomes a burden.

That gave me pause and encouraged me to reflect on how I've been trying really hard to shed mine for many years now, but it's so interwoven with many various aspects and insecurities of mine that it often feels unproductive; often cyclical in nature.

Drawing this in stream got some rather intense responses from chat, so I decided that everyone deserved to see a happier ending to such an emotional piece.

I couldn't resist being a bit more of a menace, but it's okay; I still got my treat in the end.

Today's Arwyn's birthday, so I made some time after working all day on my upcoming con panel to make her a little something special. She's been working on her car a lot lately, and we both seem to enjoy me calling her my "Diesel Dyke," so the idea was an easy choice.

Vanta, one of my friend Spid's headmates and a voidhound, has a taste for rabbit. I have been told that I am particularly appealing to their palate even on top of that.

I've always found this to be strangely very flattering.

Sometimes, all of the words in the world aren't enough to express feelings in a way that they deserve.

Regular programming will resume soon, with any luck. Until then, thank you all for your continued support.

It's now just a few days till I'm properly back home since I left at the beginning of December. It's been an amazing time.

Our life has truly grown far beyond what I could've hoped for just a few years ago, to the point where I now feel like my art - fantastical and idealised as it is - is what's lagging behind all that we've received, experienced, and learned lately. It's genuinely gotten hard to keep up, and calling ourselves "blessed" is an understatement.

Visiting, living, and being with people who have grown close to us, contributed to, and been a part of this fucking crazy journey we've been on since we've started transitioning has made me ever more and endlessly grateful for what we have. The experiences we shared together were and will always be precious to me.

While giving room for my anxieties about my privilege and good fortune, I must trust that none of those involved would want this to be transactional, and that their appreciation of the time we had together is mutual; still, I feel I owe a great deal now, more than ever.

Importantly, though, what I owe is more fundamental than reciprocating: it's to be as much myself as I can possibly muster.

The biggest issue, which is what I've grappled with the hardest while on this latest trip, has been my apparent fear and apprehension of doing just that. I've grown a lot more gregarious with expressing and acting true to myself in person than I've ever been before, but even so, I've struggled to follow through in a similar way with my art.

That may come as a bit of a surprise given the subjects I've been posting about lately (perhaps not so much given the relative infrequency and simplicity of the art - though that's the anxieties talking again), but it's true. I've been extremely inspired lately on a regular basis with all the life I've been getting to live, but any time I have the opportunity to put that to good use, and channel it into my craft, I recoil. Cower, even.

Sapphire Synonym has been on my mind almost constantly ever since I came up with the concept. But as I've been trying to push through and commit to what has essentially been a lifelong goal of mine, the reluctance and apprehension I've felt about it all have only grown stronger.

I'm scared of it, and I can't explain why; not because I don't know, but because there's so many different reasons that I'm aware of. It would take too long and get me nowhere, and even so, I am painfully aware that a lot of the fears are only perceived, and not real. My perfectionism, fear of failure, aversion to commitment, and impatience on top of all that..

None of it matters if I could just Make. Draw. Create. Write. Share. Do. It's the only fix.

I am aware of the irony of chastising myself for not creating due to being effectively mentally unwell, but the frustration feels justified. My inaction is only prolonging the vicious cycle I feel stuck in, as I continue punishing myself for wanting to be ambitious with the work I ostensibly love to do. The list of ideas grows, with none of the follow-through.

Several people have discussed these issues with me multiple times over this trip to try to help me, but it still feels like I'm no closer to budging on this deep-seated fear of committing fully to creating things the way I so badly want to. I have so much going for me, and I feel very strongly that that should be enough for me to thrive.

While it ought to be as simple as getting to it once I'm back home again, my past struggles with doing just that - after trips which were even more eventful and inspiring than this - make me worry and doubt myself rather severely. While visiting my girlfriend Arwyn, she showed me some of the physical rewards that I used to send out to my patrons way back when, and she'd kept since then. One of the enclosed letters, dated 2017, had me discussing my ongoing insecurities, and with how many issues I described similar to those in this post, it genuinely read as though I may as well have written it today.

I just want to be okay, and find it a little easier to put in the work I need in order to succeed - not materially (although that would be a nice bonus), but at making the things I have the ambition for. I've done it before, and it's the entire reason why I'm on the path that I am today; but I feel like something is wrong, it has been for a while, and I'd very much like for it not to be any more.

Thank you for reading.

My Sissy is moving! This was not planned!

She and our good friends Tower and Ziggy are having to house-hunt and get a lot sorted out in a very short amount of time, and could use the help with the costs of securing a new home.

They have a GoFundMe running here right now - any contributions and shares would be greatly appreciated!

Some things happened between me and my sister ((transgender)) Never, and while there's some more context behind this interaction than shown, I feel like it speaks enough for itself that it's complete as it is.

Here's an assortment of doodles for the latter half of 2025!

First up, a little selection of sillies of myself (Rayna, to be exact) and some friends.

I love the Jaymie Curtis drinking angrily imageset and it was high time I made a version of it for myself. Might colour them in to convert into stickers sometime.

Next, some stuff for social media.

A rather indulgent bit of art of one of Ashtrayguts' cute critters, a quick and easy diaper colouring guide, and a depiction of a fun interaction I had with Flimsyrivers on Bsky.

Last but not least; lots of Melodies!

First, puppies Melody. One asking for pets, the other asking for treats.

Next, bunnies Melody. I helped her redesign her bunnysona, after which I made several little gifties for her.

So, when I made "Buzzy Bunny" for Quicktober, I literally forgot that I'd already made the sketch for this one..

I polished it up with a splash of colour on stream after I realized this, and people watching felt the strange sense of deja vu since I'd also worked on the Quicktober version of it on stream.

Needless to say, I was in a bit of a mood at the start of the month..