Consistency is hard, and Potential rather meaningless, when you don't even know what to expect from yourself.

Sometimes, all of the words in the world aren't enough to express feelings in a way that they deserve.

Regular programming will resume soon, with any luck. Until then, thank you all for your continued support.

It's now just a few days till I'm properly back home since I left at the beginning of December. It's been an amazing time.

Our life has truly grown far beyond what I could've hoped for just a few years ago, to the point where I now feel like my art - fantastical and idealised as it is - is what's lagging behind all that we've received, experienced, and learned lately. It's genuinely gotten hard to keep up, and calling ourselves "blessed" is an understatement.

Visiting, living, and being with people who have grown close to us, contributed to, and been a part of this fucking crazy journey we've been on since we've started transitioning has made me ever more and endlessly grateful for what we have. The experiences we shared together were and will always be precious to me.

While giving room for my anxieties about my privilege and good fortune, I must trust that none of those involved would want this to be transactional, and that their appreciation of the time we had together is mutual; still, I feel I owe a great deal now, more than ever.

Importantly, though, what I owe is more fundamental than reciprocating: it's to be as much myself as I can possibly muster.

The biggest issue, which is what I've grappled with the hardest while on this latest trip, has been my apparent fear and apprehension of doing just that. I've grown a lot more gregarious with expressing and acting true to myself in person than I've ever been before, but even so, I've struggled to follow through in a similar way with my art.

That may come as a bit of a surprise given the subjects I've been posting about lately (perhaps not so much given the relative infrequency and simplicity of the art - though that's the anxieties talking again), but it's true. I've been extremely inspired lately on a regular basis with all the life I've been getting to live, but any time I have the opportunity to put that to good use, and channel it into my craft, I recoil. Cower, even.

Sapphire Synonym has been on my mind almost constantly ever since I came up with the concept. But as I've been trying to push through and commit to what has essentially been a lifelong goal of mine, the reluctance and apprehension I've felt about it all have only grown stronger.

I'm scared of it, and I can't explain why; not because I don't know, but because there's so many different reasons that I'm aware of. It would take too long and get me nowhere, and even so, I am painfully aware that a lot of the fears are only perceived, and not real. My perfectionism, fear of failure, aversion to commitment, and impatience on top of all that..

None of it matters if I could just Make. Draw. Create. Write. Share. Do. It's the only fix.

I am aware of the irony of chastising myself for not creating due to being effectively mentally unwell, but the frustration feels justified. My inaction is only prolonging the vicious cycle I feel stuck in, as I continue punishing myself for wanting to be ambitious with the work I ostensibly love to do. The list of ideas grows, with none of the follow-through.

Several people have discussed these issues with me multiple times over this trip to try to help me, but it still feels like I'm no closer to budging on this deep-seated fear of committing fully to creating things the way I so badly want to. I have so much going for me, and I feel very strongly that that should be enough for me to thrive.

While it ought to be as simple as getting to it once I'm back home again, my past struggles with doing just that - after trips which were even more eventful and inspiring than this - make me worry and doubt myself rather severely. While visiting my girlfriend Arwyn, she showed me some of the physical rewards that I used to send out to my patrons way back when, and she'd kept since then. One of the enclosed letters, dated 2017, had me discussing my ongoing insecurities, and with how many issues I described similar to those in this post, it genuinely read as though I may as well have written it today.

I just want to be okay, and find it a little easier to put in the work I need in order to succeed - not materially (although that would be a nice bonus), but at making the things I have the ambition for. I've done it before, and it's the entire reason why I'm on the path that I am today; but I feel like something is wrong, it has been for a while, and I'd very much like for it not to be any more.

Thank you for reading.

I posted this on Bsky earlier today, but it felt impassioned and significant enough to me to post it here, too.

I'm okay, and this isn't me giving up; quite the contrary. I'm just so very tired of such a pervasive issue having hamstrung me so thoroughly for years now, while doing nothing to facilitate me at any step of the way. It hasn't challenged me to improve my work. It's only ever been a problem - nothing but a hindrance to me.

For months now I've grappled hard with the notion of "making my business work," just so that I can survive and not end up destitute for the heinous crime against Capitalism of wanting to do what makes me happy.

Some who I've spoken to about it, well intentioned as they are, talk about "figuring out what pays," but -

I simply don't fucking want to any more.

I know that I ultimately have to if I want to function in such a garbage, back-asswards system we've been born into, but the rage and frustration I feel every fucking day that numbers get in the way of my lines has me feeling so fucking fed up. It is the way it is, but it sure as fucking hell shouldn't be, and I've had enough of acting like it.

This video encapsulates that feeling really well, and is what inspired me to write this out.

I don't want to care about how many likes I get any more.

I don't want to be beholden to a platform that lets my hard work sink the second people stop sharing it.

I don't want to work downstream to the success of my own fans.

I don't want to worry about the whims of an audience who might not even be for me.

I never did.

I just want to make what comes from my heart.

From the video: ".. the moment the business mind becomes the driver, the art turns into content. And content doesn't change lives.

"It just fills timelines."

Poetry.

This project idea crystallized in my mind the weekend I got back from the States, thanks to many disparate plot threads coming together with me running into more problems, not even a week into me returning from another intense and emotional adventure.

Once again, a change in policy on a platform we thought was safe, or different in any way (a naive assumption, one might say, but on the flipside; always assuming you're in danger is just as unhealthy) led me to pass up some well-needed rest - which I'd actually scheduled time for - in favor of running more sessions of my panel to spread the word about how to stay safe and maintain a presence online.

I was fed up. Exhausted. Done with feeling like I had to waste my time and energy playing whack-a-mole with their stupid garbage almost every goddamn day.

I started working on this alongside the extra prepwork I needed for the bonus panel sessions I ran online, and a week of frankly frantic effort later, I made this.

For those not in the know, the two bunnies prominently featured are Praline and Chili respectively, two of my median facets.

Before losing you to the comic and further backstory after the jump, I want to mention that I've also made the closing panels into merch designs that you can buy, and support my work in the process. Thank you for your consideration.

This came about because while I was away, and visiting part of the "extended found family" overseas, I was invited to make a piece of graffiti to add to their bathroom wall. Taking this altogether too seriously, I sketched out a design to later apply to the communal canvas.

This was just days after having had to just about completely erase what makes me who I am for the purposes of sanitizing myself at border control, so then ending up with such a wonderfully welcoming and affirming space had me feeling at the very least rather litigious and confrontational with the "authorities" who would gladly stifle us if they could.

I wanted whoever was visiting that space to know; if they're there, they're likely with people who they love and care about - and that they should fight for their joy, because giving that up would be giving villains what they want.

Fast forward to when I was grappling with Bsky's latest sorry excuse of a policy update two weekends ago, and this comic was the result.

Hey!

I've been working really hard on a bunch of art I can't share yet because the store I wanted to sell designs based off of it wasn't working great.

The comic speaks for itself, but yeah. I'm trying to avoid leaving myself deadlocked because of a problem that's outside of my control, and the store seems to be behaving well enough now.

If you're curious, check it out. Every purchase helps me out a lot.

I Want, but I Can't.

Chili and I have started aligning a bit better. It's still a struggle.

My latest return home has once again proven challenging to me, and last night was especially difficult. I decided to stream and work on some art that came to mind while I was struggling, and I'm both very pleased with the results and feeling better for having made them all.

First we have one that sums up my issues with pursuing what it is I want for myself. I struggle with asking for things in the first place, so when it becomes a problem then I don't even know where to start.

One stylistic detail that ended up being a little too subtle in the final piece to easily notice is that I used a different brush for the linework in either half - I felt like they helped further convey the feelings held within me that the dialogue and posing might not have on their own. I also realized halfway through the process that I actually hadn't drawn kid chocolate exactly on model, and looks more like a midpoint between the two of us. I didn't bother "fixing" it since that has plenty of implications that I think elevate the piece even further.

Next is this one, which captured the vibe of more recent experiences, such as this weekend's.

Given the above context, I think it should speak for itself.

During a particularly emotional vent/distraction stream, I decided to tackle an idea I had lingering in mind as part of my process of self-care and healing.

As I discussed in an earlier post, I've come to the realization that my realsona, Chocolate (who I refer to Chocolate "Pupbun" for clarity), has acted as my fursona that's true to life, to the extent of offering little in the way of aspirational goals. Put simply, she's so close to how I really am that she doesn't provide me with much to strive for.

This came about from noticing that I'd lost sight of what my other fursonas - Chocolate, Ruby, and Soul - stood for and represented to me. I wanted to remind myself that they're still there for me, waiting for when I'm ready to follow their lead again. It may look rather melancholy, but the intent is actually quite hopeful. Acknowledging that I've not been well, but that I've not lost those aspects of myself despite missing them for a while, was quite cathartic.

I intend to follow it up with more positive scenes once I'm in a better place, mentally and emotionally, and I've already made great strides towards that.

Immanent, adjective

1. Existing or remaining within; inherent.
2. Remaining within; inherent; indwelling; abiding; intrinsic; internal or subjective; hence, limited in activity, agency, or effect, to the subject or associated acts.
3. Naturally part of something; existing throughout and within something; inherent; integral; intrinsic; indwelling.
4. Taking place entirely within the mind of the subject and having no effect outside of it.

I'm extremely torn on whether I prefer the version with or without the text and Soul being present, given its title.

Allow me some lofty prose as I close off this massive chapter of my life and prepare to move on to the next;

The times I've been going through lately have felt akin to a conflagration of the self - I've had such gloriously high highs and catastrophically low lows in a remarkably short amount of time that it's shattered a lot of my strongest-held personal preconceptions. These experiences have shone a stark light on sides of myself I've either taken fully for granted and have since changed, or been far too scared to stare at for any length of time - lest I break things I think I understand, or learn things about those I'd much rather not.

This piece is in large part related to one of the things I rubbed up against the hardest over the past several months, and it came to me after I saw a particularly poignant line that I extended to make mine. I've felt for the longest time that pursuing the things I value most always come at some great personal expense - usually leading me to choose between some forms of letting go in recalcitrance, or risking hurting myself in persistence.

Many of you know well that I'm both agonizingly ambitious and painfully passionate in ample measures, but I lack the reserves I desperately wish I did in order to fulfill those desires to the extent that I wish I could.

Sometimes this rolls over all the way into begrudging myself even a meager attempt at all, and berating myself for it; but by and large, this is a fairly antagonistic relationship that I have with myself and have been trying damn hard to make less toxic.

That's easier said than done, but saying it is certainly a start.

Something minimalist, but still from the heart.

I got the inspiration for this at the end of a very trying time that I got through with flying colours, but at a cost.