The longer it's persisted, the harder it's gotten to ignore...

This isn't a problem nor a bad thing, but I've always taken these kinds of questions about identity very seriously, and as I've joked in the past, I've historically tended to be more closeted about my puppygirl side than my transgirl side.

My recent experiences being Garnet's pet has made it hard to deny, even for my own reluctant self.

This has been - and I know I say this for a lot of things, but it applies more than ever here - a long time coming.

This is the piece that first inspired Art is Poison. You can actually read more about my struggles with this comic's inception within that post, which I would encourage you to do. The four and a half months between then and now that I worked on this intermittently were fairly protracted; marked with self-doubt, questioning, and uncertainty about whether it was worth seeing through to the end.

The last six pages were the hardest to get done. I think that by the time I got that far, I'd ran out of mileage that "doing it for myself" could grant me, which gave way to questioning whether I did it right, and if anybody would even understand what it was I tried to say with this comic, never mind relating to or appreciating it.

In any case; I did do it, and it's the biggest project I've taken on in many years now, which is quite the achievement. It feels good to bring it to a close, rather than giving up as I've felt tempted to do from the moment I had the idea.

I'm proud of this piece.

I hope you like it; but if not, no worries. Thank you for giving it a look either way.

I've been running my crowdfunding platform for 8 years as of today.

It's been quite the trip since I first committed to such a long-term project, and although it came with a lot of challenges I could've certainly done without, I learned so much about myself and my own work in the process, too.

I've already expressed my gratitude for all of you supporting me - especially those who've stuck with me through a lot of difficulties and even across platforms - in my 100th patron celebration post, but my appreciation remains unabated and as ever, I don't take any of you for granted.

If not for your contributions and participation over the years, I wouldn't be doing any of this right now; especially given the massive developments over the past year or so, I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on this myself, either.

Sitting here, I'm reflecting on and appreciating just how much more my art has become than just a career, a simple trade of support so that I may make more of the things I do. It's grown so far beyond just that, perhaps essential, foundation; slowly but surely weaving into and intertwining with every aspect of myself, and thriving ever more because of it.

Now, it's a medium that lets me explore and share aspects of myself I didn't even know about just a few years back, and can do so far better with it. It's a means for me to show my love and appreciation for things and people in ways I wouldn't otherwise be able to. It's a platform for me to motivate and encourage others like me to be their truest, most genuine selves. It's a lifestyle that allows me to learn, explore, and experiment with things that I wouldn't have the space for. It's its own entire language with which I can share the joy I feel to brighten others' days, and commiserate in the sorrow I might be faced with to let others like me feel seen.

My Life is my Art, and my Art is my Life.

Thank you so very much, and here's to many more.

One of the myriad things I've been addressing with my therapy is my very strong and habitual tendency of downplaying and otherwise neglecting my own achievements. Every time I overcome a new challenge or milestone in my life, I quickly reframe all of my newfound skills and abilities as the baseline - my new starting point.

This consistently leads me to ignore the past steps I've overcome, taking them pretty much for granted just because the next challenge, the next hurdle is something I've never dealt with before - even if only a small part of it is unfamiliar to me. It's always the next thing that will trip me up. That'll be my undoing - even if I've felt the same way every time prior to that. That'll be when it all catches up to me.

I get so focused on what I'm unsure of, that I seem to forget that I might already know a great deal about what's ahead of me.

This habit more than likely came about as a result of a coping mechanism that I developed over time. I've dealt with a lot of frustration and insecurities about myself and my work for a while, but without going too far into specifics, it helped minimize some of the anxiety that they caused. As I already described, it certainly wasn't without its drawbacks.

The Idea

During our last session, my therapist guided me through a self-reflection exercise where we spoke about some of the bigger hurdles I'd managed to overcome in the past: leaving my first full-time job, making the leap from Patreon to my own platform, that sort of thing. In doing so, she helped me practice acknowledging that in myself a little better.

Even though I've already done this sort of thing with my art, particularly during special event streams, something about it seemed to click with me. In conjunction with my last livestream, which I spent replying to comments on my art, this brought back an idea I'd had floating around my head, and which I'd tweeted about in passing earlier this year.

I want to practice occasionally acknowledging and appraising my own work; looking back on what I've made, talking about what I like about it or could've done or wanted to do differently, and maybe even sharing a little insight into my process of creating it along the way. I believe it'll be good for me, and hopefully interesting to you too.

Originally, the idea was meant for Twitter, but I don't think that sat well with me given how fleeting the platform is; every single post would be quickly buried unless it was lucky enough to get picked up in a wave of attention. Quite frankly, I don't expect this kind of content to resonate with most folks, so why even bother with that while limiting myself to tiny chunks of text writing about complex ideas that I find interesting?

So, here they'll go. I'll be making these "Appraisals" whenever I feel like it - perhaps making up for a lull in creativity, or riding a high, or just because I need a boost in motivation. With a few exceptions wherever I see fit, I'll be putting them up as free posts so they can be shared around with whoever you think might like them. Please do, as it helps me out.

After this post I'll start work on the first instalment, so you can look forward to that. I really hope you'll enjoy them.

It's late at night at the end of a day I set aside for rest, and boredom turned its sights inwards to latch onto whatever the insecurity of choice might be.

Tonight's is my long-standing fear that folks don't identify with where I've gone with my art, and it's no longer as much of a source of wish-fulfilment for them as it used to be.

I can't deny that sexual gratification is still the main goal of what I do, and it's fine if that's mostly what folks get out of it; but there's a lot of myself that goes into what I make and how I do it. I've felt a lot like that aspect of it no longer resonates with, or has outright alienated some of my audience.

For as long as I can remember, a major part of what I do has been motivated by providing folks with a source of escapism and self-fulfilment via the fantasies in my art. Over the past couple of years I've wanted to shift the focus more towards stories I'd like to tell by way of the characters I've made and the worlds they weave around themselves; however, I wonder if it's a bit too much to ask of most folks to follow along with the stories mostly implied by the art I share - that it could be just a little impenetrable and harder to get invested in now.

It's a scary prospect that my own choices might have undermined people's interest in and the self-fulfilment they glean from what I make. It's also not something that can be easily quantified or helped either way. I'm still gonna keep striving for what I find most satisfying to make, and I hope I continue being lucky enough to have an audience who enjoys it enough to keep me afloat while I do it.

Given that you're reading this here, I appreciate you most of all for sticking with me and supporting me so directly. I'm really trying my best to do a good job and your contributions allow me to experiment and work on what resonates with me the most.

I think I prefer being overly aware of myself as opposed to lacking the ability of self-reflection, but today was meant to be a day off. Would be nice if my self-doubt didn't creep in so consistently whenever I've been disciplined enough to give myself time to relax, is all.