Today's Arwyn's birthday, so I made some time after working all day on my upcoming con panel to make her a little something special. She's been working on her car a lot lately, and we both seem to enjoy me calling her my "Diesel Dyke," so the idea was an easy choice.

Vanta, one of my friend Spid's headmates and a voidhound, has a taste for rabbit. I have been told that I am particularly appealing to their palate even on top of that.

I've always found this to be strangely very flattering.

Consistency is hard, and Potential rather meaningless, when you don't even know what to expect from yourself.

Sometimes, all of the words in the world aren't enough to express feelings in a way that they deserve.

Regular programming will resume soon, with any luck. Until then, thank you all for your continued support.

It's now just a few days till I'm properly back home since I left at the beginning of December. It's been an amazing time.

Our life has truly grown far beyond what I could've hoped for just a few years ago, to the point where I now feel like my art - fantastical and idealised as it is - is what's lagging behind all that we've received, experienced, and learned lately. It's genuinely gotten hard to keep up, and calling ourselves "blessed" is an understatement.

Visiting, living, and being with people who have grown close to us, contributed to, and been a part of this fucking crazy journey we've been on since we've started transitioning has made me ever more and endlessly grateful for what we have. The experiences we shared together were and will always be precious to me.

While giving room for my anxieties about my privilege and good fortune, I must trust that none of those involved would want this to be transactional, and that their appreciation of the time we had together is mutual; still, I feel I owe a great deal now, more than ever.

Importantly, though, what I owe is more fundamental than reciprocating: it's to be as much myself as I can possibly muster.

The biggest issue, which is what I've grappled with the hardest while on this latest trip, has been my apparent fear and apprehension of doing just that. I've grown a lot more gregarious with expressing and acting true to myself in person than I've ever been before, but even so, I've struggled to follow through in a similar way with my art.

That may come as a bit of a surprise given the subjects I've been posting about lately (perhaps not so much given the relative infrequency and simplicity of the art - though that's the anxieties talking again), but it's true. I've been extremely inspired lately on a regular basis with all the life I've been getting to live, but any time I have the opportunity to put that to good use, and channel it into my craft, I recoil. Cower, even.

Sapphire Synonym has been on my mind almost constantly ever since I came up with the concept. But as I've been trying to push through and commit to what has essentially been a lifelong goal of mine, the reluctance and apprehension I've felt about it all have only grown stronger.

I'm scared of it, and I can't explain why; not because I don't know, but because there's so many different reasons that I'm aware of. It would take too long and get me nowhere, and even so, I am painfully aware that a lot of the fears are only perceived, and not real. My perfectionism, fear of failure, aversion to commitment, and impatience on top of all that..

None of it matters if I could just Make. Draw. Create. Write. Share. Do. It's the only fix.

I am aware of the irony of chastising myself for not creating due to being effectively mentally unwell, but the frustration feels justified. My inaction is only prolonging the vicious cycle I feel stuck in, as I continue punishing myself for wanting to be ambitious with the work I ostensibly love to do. The list of ideas grows, with none of the follow-through.

Several people have discussed these issues with me multiple times over this trip to try to help me, but it still feels like I'm no closer to budging on this deep-seated fear of committing fully to creating things the way I so badly want to. I have so much going for me, and I feel very strongly that that should be enough for me to thrive.

While it ought to be as simple as getting to it once I'm back home again, my past struggles with doing just that - after trips which were even more eventful and inspiring than this - make me worry and doubt myself rather severely. While visiting my girlfriend Arwyn, she showed me some of the physical rewards that I used to send out to my patrons way back when, and she'd kept since then. One of the enclosed letters, dated 2017, had me discussing my ongoing insecurities, and with how many issues I described similar to those in this post, it genuinely read as though I may as well have written it today.

I just want to be okay, and find it a little easier to put in the work I need in order to succeed - not materially (although that would be a nice bonus), but at making the things I have the ambition for. I've done it before, and it's the entire reason why I'm on the path that I am today; but I feel like something is wrong, it has been for a while, and I'd very much like for it not to be any more.

Thank you for reading.

Some things happened between me and my sister ((transgender)) Never, and while there's some more context behind this interaction than shown, I feel like it speaks enough for itself that it's complete as it is.

I enjoyed celebrating Christmas with a handful of close friends at Never's place this year. While making plans, some of us ganged up on and teased her with the idea of making her a child-friendly dish using the different parts of the meal being served.

She seemed really upset by this, to the point of threatening to throw a tantrum if we decided to pull such a stunt.

So I knew I had to draw it.

I asked her friend Tower, who was doing the vast majority of the cooking, if this could happen; they'd already made plans.

So I made this as a birthday gift for the fussy fewwit, to commemorate and immortalize the occasion.

Happy birthday, Sissy.

Here's the first illustration from the Debauchery Drive!

Looks like whoever gave me that pacifier didn't expect me to do anything, since it was going to do it for me anyway.. I guess we'll see where this leads in the next illustration, too.

Rayna's track is currently at €190 (@ 80% Sissy vs 20% Incontinence), and we got Antoinette's first illustration funded at €250 (@ 60% Hypnosis vs 40% TF)!

Snofu put out feelers for folks who'll do a quick trade with them, and I was quick on the jump cause I've always admired their work and it gave me the chance to do something fun and unusual while I was at it, too.

We gave each other our refs and a simple theme, and while I was torn between two choices, I'm really glad that we went for the same thing.

I'm really pleased with how mine came out, but god damn am I ever astounded by their grasp of anatomy and posing. I'm so goddamn full there, it feels good every time I look at it. They were even kind enough to go back and add my stretch marks in when I asked. Just a couple of copious egg-bearers doing what they do best..

Fun fact: I was wanting to make the post thumbnail half-and-half to include both of our drawings, but I try not to include explicit parts of the artwork in my thumbnails to allow people to opt-in to looking at the full piece.. And there was no way I was cropping their art to show my face on its own.

And here we go!

These are the "zero-th" illustrations meant just to set the stage, and not anything that folks have donated towards. These offer hints towards what to expect my me's will be subjected to beyond the names of kinks that we started with.

You can also see the current donation progress, and how folks have voted thus far, in case you want to contribute to the one of your choice and steer it in a direction that you prefer! As shown, there are already two parts queued up to be made in Ruby's imageset, which will be coming up next.

Thank you for your contributions and generosity! Please feel free to ask if you have any questions. You can read more about this instalment of the Debauchery Drive in the starting post here.

Parts

Ruby: Part 1, Part 2 (Coming Soon)

Antoinette: Part 1 (Coming Soon)

Quicktober! Quick draws for instant whims.

It's Halloween, and there's more costumes to enjoy!

At first I'd intended to do two for each of these two final posts for Quicktober, but once I got to four, I realized I was pretty much halfway done - and came up with an idea for everyone (with one exception, which you'll see below).

The poses and detailing work on all of the costume sketches were extremely fun to do; I felt like I was in the flow for the entire set, and I think it really shows through in the art.

For this set, we have Chili, Antoinette, and Me! Can you guess who we're dressed up as? There's clues and answers hidden below.

Did you guess them all?

With that, Quicktober is done! What a trip it's been. For a while since starting it, I've felt like this wasn't as ambitious an undertaking as Kinktober in 2023, but sitting with that feeling a little longer, I think I made up for the lack of colour and linework that I showcased back then, with quite a bit of storytelling and doubling up on several of the ideas I made every day.

I'm proud of having gotten it done, and what I got done as a result of it, too; especially with a lot of the other challenges I'd been dealing with this month, and not having missed a single day despite, at times, feeling like I really, really wanted to.

With that said though, you might have noticed someone missing! That's because my friend MoT was kind enough to make a costume for Chip while I was working on the first ones of these on stream!

It's such an amazing piece! Look at the BuBuy²!!

So, when I made "Buzzy Bunny" for Quicktober, I literally forgot that I'd already made the sketch for this one..

I polished it up with a splash of colour on stream after I realized this, and people watching felt the strange sense of deja vu since I'd also worked on the Quicktober version of it on stream.

Needless to say, I was in a bit of a mood at the start of the month..