It's now just a few days till I'm properly back home since I left at the beginning of December. It's been an amazing time.

Our life has truly grown far beyond what I could've hoped for just a few years ago, to the point where I now feel like my art - fantastical and idealised as it is - is what's lagging behind all that we've received, experienced, and learned lately. It's genuinely gotten hard to keep up, and calling ourselves "blessed" is an understatement.

Visiting, living, and being with people who have grown close to us, contributed to, and been a part of this fucking crazy journey we've been on since we've started transitioning has made me ever more and endlessly grateful for what we have. The experiences we shared together were and will always be precious to me.

While giving room for my anxieties about my privilege and good fortune, I must trust that none of those involved would want this to be transactional, and that their appreciation of the time we had together is mutual; still, I feel I owe a great deal now, more than ever.

Importantly, though, what I owe is more fundamental than reciprocating: it's to be as much myself as I can possibly muster.

The biggest issue, which is what I've grappled with the hardest while on this latest trip, has been my apparent fear and apprehension of doing just that. I've grown a lot more gregarious with expressing and acting true to myself in person than I've ever been before, but even so, I've struggled to follow through in a similar way with my art.

That may come as a bit of a surprise given the subjects I've been posting about lately (perhaps not so much given the relative infrequency and simplicity of the art - though that's the anxieties talking again), but it's true. I've been extremely inspired lately on a regular basis with all the life I've been getting to live, but any time I have the opportunity to put that to good use, and channel it into my craft, I recoil. Cower, even.

Sapphire Synonym has been on my mind almost constantly ever since I came up with the concept. But as I've been trying to push through and commit to what has essentially been a lifelong goal of mine, the reluctance and apprehension I've felt about it all have only grown stronger.

I'm scared of it, and I can't explain why; not because I don't know, but because there's so many different reasons that I'm aware of. It would take too long and get me nowhere, and even so, I am painfully aware that a lot of the fears are only perceived, and not real. My perfectionism, fear of failure, aversion to commitment, and impatience on top of all that..

None of it matters if I could just Make. Draw. Create. Write. Share. Do. It's the only fix.

I am aware of the irony of chastising myself for not creating due to being effectively mentally unwell, but the frustration feels justified. My inaction is only prolonging the vicious cycle I feel stuck in, as I continue punishing myself for wanting to be ambitious with the work I ostensibly love to do. The list of ideas grows, with none of the follow-through.

Several people have discussed these issues with me multiple times over this trip to try to help me, but it still feels like I'm no closer to budging on this deep-seated fear of committing fully to creating things the way I so badly want to. I have so much going for me, and I feel very strongly that that should be enough for me to thrive.

While it ought to be as simple as getting to it once I'm back home again, my past struggles with doing just that - after trips which were even more eventful and inspiring than this - make me worry and doubt myself rather severely. While visiting my girlfriend Arwyn, she showed me some of the physical rewards that I used to send out to my patrons way back when, and she'd kept since then. One of the enclosed letters, dated 2017, had me discussing my ongoing insecurities, and with how many issues I described similar to those in this post, it genuinely read as though I may as well have written it today.

I just want to be okay, and find it a little easier to put in the work I need in order to succeed - not materially (although that would be a nice bonus), but at making the things I have the ambition for. I've done it before, and it's the entire reason why I'm on the path that I am today; but I feel like something is wrong, it has been for a while, and I'd very much like for it not to be any more.

Thank you for reading.

I posted this on Bsky earlier today, but it felt impassioned and significant enough to me to post it here, too.

I'm okay, and this isn't me giving up; quite the contrary. I'm just so very tired of such a pervasive issue having hamstrung me so thoroughly for years now, while doing nothing to facilitate me at any step of the way. It hasn't challenged me to improve my work. It's only ever been a problem - nothing but a hindrance to me.

For months now I've grappled hard with the notion of "making my business work," just so that I can survive and not end up destitute for the heinous crime against Capitalism of wanting to do what makes me happy.

Some who I've spoken to about it, well intentioned as they are, talk about "figuring out what pays," but -

I simply don't fucking want to any more.

I know that I ultimately have to if I want to function in such a garbage, back-asswards system we've been born into, but the rage and frustration I feel every fucking day that numbers get in the way of my lines has me feeling so fucking fed up. It is the way it is, but it sure as fucking hell shouldn't be, and I've had enough of acting like it.

This video encapsulates that feeling really well, and is what inspired me to write this out.

I don't want to care about how many likes I get any more.

I don't want to be beholden to a platform that lets my hard work sink the second people stop sharing it.

I don't want to work downstream to the success of my own fans.

I don't want to worry about the whims of an audience who might not even be for me.

I never did.

I just want to make what comes from my heart.

From the video: ".. the moment the business mind becomes the driver, the art turns into content. And content doesn't change lives.

"It just fills timelines."

Poetry.

I don't know where to even begin with this one, so perhaps I'll just start at the end?

I don't think it'll come as much of a surprise to many of y'all, but I've recently come to terms with the realization that this "seasonal egg thing" I've had going for me for a while now plays a greater part of my identity than I initially gave myself room for, thanks to some recent, related experiences.

Similarly, my history with playing intersex and "herm" characters was also a lot more significant than I thought, and has likewise been on a slow build since then. Transitioning has definitely thrown a spanner into the works, and this has offered me some clarity and direction that I didn't know I was needing.

I have a lot more to say about both of these things after the art, but to keep it brief;

This is me; I'm an Easter Bunny, and I am Salmacian.

This has been on a predictable slow boil for many, many years now, ever since I set myself on this path with the name and species I chose ages ago. A chocolate rabbit is bound to have a strong association with Easter, and the rest becomes pretty predictable from that point.

What seems to have been the final nucleation point was during a visit to my friend Plushie, who her partner Secret was also with at the time. They both had many plans for me, one of which was Secret giving me a set of egg-bearing and egg-laying hypnotic triggers. Given that I've thought about this for as long I have, I've had a very specific idea of what that should be and feel like for me for quite a while.

Needless to say, it was very effective, and left quite the mark.

These illustrations depict what it felt like the night of the session, at a point where I was beyond capacity; and then the morning after, when I was reflecting on what ended up being a fairly religious experience for me. It's very likely that the stretch mark markings will be a permanent addition to my realsona too, but I'm still feeling that one out a little.

During the session itself, while I was laying my eggs, Secret guided me to imagine which passage they would come out of. While I've been rather flexible about that sort of functional anatomy in my art in the past, to my mind it wasn't as simple as anal nor vaginal, but a third configuration. Granted, it could still be counted as the latter option, but there was another part of me that was still present, but unaccounted for. Their suggestions about the eggs pressing up against my clitoris didn't sit quite right with me, and I knew what that meant.

I've toyed with my fursonas being intersex and "hermaphrodites" (which I understand is an antiquated term, but also still meaningful within our community) in the past, but that ended up getting buried in recent years for a variety of reasons. Revisiting it in this way unearthed a lot of very strong feelings that I hadn't realized were this significant to me - which is why I will always maintain that allowing this form of self-expression is not just important, but essential, even if one doesn't openly identify the same way that they present themselves. They just might, sometime down the line.

With that all having been said, there's another subtle detail from these views, which is nevertheless a significant one - this is the first time I've deliberately, intentionally drawn myself as Salmacian. You can see my pussy peeking out from behind my cock in the second part.

I'm not yet sure where it'll lead or how I'll get there for right now; perhaps plans for surgery, perhaps not. But this is definitely something I've also been thinking about much more intently ever since I began transitioning and I can't deny it's appeal - I just need to know for sure if it's right for me. It certainly feels that way for right now.

Either way, you'll be seeing more of these parts of me very soon, and a lot more frequently, too.

I've been running my crowdfunding platform for 8 years as of today.

It's been quite the trip since I first committed to such a long-term project, and although it came with a lot of challenges I could've certainly done without, I learned so much about myself and my own work in the process, too.

I've already expressed my gratitude for all of you supporting me - especially those who've stuck with me through a lot of difficulties and even across platforms - in my 100th patron celebration post, but my appreciation remains unabated and as ever, I don't take any of you for granted.

If not for your contributions and participation over the years, I wouldn't be doing any of this right now; especially given the massive developments over the past year or so, I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on this myself, either.

Sitting here, I'm reflecting on and appreciating just how much more my art has become than just a career, a simple trade of support so that I may make more of the things I do. It's grown so far beyond just that, perhaps essential, foundation; slowly but surely weaving into and intertwining with every aspect of myself, and thriving ever more because of it.

Now, it's a medium that lets me explore and share aspects of myself I didn't even know about just a few years back, and can do so far better with it. It's a means for me to show my love and appreciation for things and people in ways I wouldn't otherwise be able to. It's a platform for me to motivate and encourage others like me to be their truest, most genuine selves. It's a lifestyle that allows me to learn, explore, and experiment with things that I wouldn't have the space for. It's its own entire language with which I can share the joy I feel to brighten others' days, and commiserate in the sorrow I might be faced with to let others like me feel seen.

My Life is my Art, and my Art is my Life.

Thank you so very much, and here's to many more.

I genuinely hope the day's treated you all kindly and even if it wasn't a great time, that you had a little bit of peace and quiet.

Where have I been? Short answer is "Christmas."

I've been a little swept up off my feet the last couple weeks, mostly in a good way. The minute I finished up the art I had due for Christmas day, I moved on to the next thing and that was a laundry list of things my family needed me to, and that I wanted to do for them.

It's been exhausting but very rewarding too, and I got the last payoff I'd been waiting for just today. My mom suggested I make a montage to commemorate my younger nephew's first year with us and it just kinda blew up into a whole thing for the entire family instead.

Wasn't easy to do - in both a practical and emotional way - but I'm very glad that I could pull it off.

There were a bunch of other technical projects around the house that I'd either been putting off or that cropped up last minute, and if you know anything about my relationship with tech you'll probably guess how easy and straightforward those tasks ended up being.

How's this left me?

I've been just about entirely offline from social media for the past week or so, only interacting regularly with folks on my Telegram group chat and Discord server. I may have been a tad burnt out from the effort I put in and crashing as hard as I did right after, but I've taken good care of myself since then.

HRT has been kicking in a bit, but so far it's mostly been psychological effects. Nothing I haven't managed to handle, but it's still taken some more spoons to stay on top of things on that front too. Let's just say that it's been a bit of an adventure, but it's certainly one I've been preparing for for a very long time now. Get therapy if you have access to it.

So what's next?

TL;DR is that I got a lot planned and am really excited to get back into the swing of things.

I have something special coming up for myself and some close friends to roll in the new year, but that shouldn't stop me getting started sooner rather than later.

I got a decent backlog of some really fun commissions to finish up, as well as post up for y'all to enjoy, but also a lot of crowdfunded projects I've been wanting to dust off and get rolling for absolutely ages now.

There's really never a dull moment with what I do and just about entirely a case of how much time I can/am able to put into things and which of the several projects I wanna work on will get it.

I will take one last second to remind you that I am a crowdfunded artist and supported by a wonderful community of folks here, on my site. The better it does, the less time I have to worry about making ends meet and the more time I have left over to focus on just making cool stuff to share with y'all.

Even if you can't afford that, I appreciate you following and enjoying my art in any way you can. Thanks for helping me turn what could've been an absolutely disastrous year into one where I learned so much about, and worked hard on improving myself too.

I feel like I'm in a great position to finally get to where I've been striving to be for the past 8 years or so, and I'm hoping it'll lead to more and better work from me for you all to enjoy real soon.

I can't fuckin' wait.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it brings good things to you all.

I needed to spend some time processing what the whole Patreon debacle did to me, personally, now that the dust has settled a little bit.

I've spent a couple of frantic days scrabbling for the best solutions I could suggest, posting them everywhere, and discussing them with folks trying to mitigate the harm Patreon inflicted on so many of our valued community members in one fell swoop. But now I need to disengage and let people handle it for themselves. They know where to reach me if I'm still needed.

I'm not sure what the optics will be of me making this blog post private, but frankly I don't want to seem like this is something most people ought to care too much about, especially right now. I'm writing for my own sake, and all of you who are subscribed to my site have shown an interest in seeing and supporting the things I create for myself, so it felt worth sharing with you especially since it's also relevant to this site's history.

I'll start from the basic facts; where it pretty much all started for me two days ago. I initially felt pretty badly put out by how many folks got hit by this. It was clear to me that my frequent warnings and having moved off the platform literally 4 whole years ago had fallen entirely on deaf ears. Some people revealed that they still hadn't even realized I had started my own website when they replied to my advice on what to do post-ban.

Furthermore, the transition process was especially agonizing (haha, trans analogies go brr), since I had to do it mostly without the help of any of my peers, and entirely thanks to a handful of close friends. They were really who came in clutch with figuring out how I'm gonna pull this whole thing off, but for a very long time since then it's felt like I've had to fight tooth and nail to slowly, gradually claw back my patronage.

Since so many people were hit so hard by this at the same time, suddenly the entire community was mobilizing to figure shit out together and follow their favourite artists wherever they may go.

Being completely honest with myself; the difference in the response still feels really alienating to me.

I did eventually come to my senses and figured it couldn't hurt to just post what I knew, if only for the sake of it. Frankly, at the very least I could sit with my own conscience knowing that I tried, even if it didn't really end up helping anybody. It felt too hypocritical of me to always talk a big game about practicing community solidarity, and then sit around moping cause I got ignored that one time. Plus, people were already dealing with enough without me being salty about it too - not that that mattered - but my chastising and complaints certainly weren't going to be useful to anybody right then and there.

Now, though?

Just last night, I celebrated my first day taking HRT (see, it was a relevant allusion), and it really served me well as a key moment; a milestone that got me to put my feet back on the ground and look back at how far I've come. Celebrating such an outwardly innocuous moment - taking a couple of pills - in such an overt and affirming way, made me consider how, despite having dropped everything to try and help out, I can just go back to my work two days after the hammer came down.

I was prepared for this fucking ages ago, and now I can spend my time feeling proud of what I achieved before anyone was even considering it, instead of running around with my head on fire.

I tend to feel like a bit of a renegade at times (I know that sounds melodramatic, just please let me have this right now) even within our rebellious and counterculture community, but that only makes me love and appreciate all the more this little niche I've carved out for myself, and especially all the debaucherous little critters I've attracted to my kinky-ass fuckin' powwow.

Today, the site is doing better than it ever has in its entire lifetime. I really want to take this moment to emphasize the fact that, despite all my frustrations with the community at large, you lot - every single one of you who can (but also might not) read this - are who made it all possible. It might not have been easy, but if not for your steadfast support and belief in me, I'd have given up long ago. I probably would've been watching this whole event unfold from even farther out on the periphery, having gotten completely squeezed out of the crowdfunding business before I had a second chance like everybody else.

Last month was the site's fourth Yeariversary. While I was too busy to acknowledge it directly, pumping out daily uploads of really good and fucking horny artwork that I'm very proud of is probably the best way I could think to celebrate it.

Thank you for joining in and stoking the flames so the party can keep on going. I owe y'all a lot, but for right now, I'm content to sit on my laurels for a bit and feel some pride in the fact that I can resume business as usual real soon. I saw this shit coming miles away and got the hell outta dodge, so now I get to reap the benefits for myself and relax a lot sooner than I otherwise would've been able to.

Hey, if you're relatively new to my site, I would like to invite you to join me in celebrating its history and check out some of the older content I've posted here cause there's quite a lot of it! Granted, most of it has been posted publicly by now, but it's at a higher quality and all in one neat and tidy place that's easy to browse. Enjoy!

I've been terribly ill this past week, and even still it hasn't stopped me from moving forwards.

Without going into too much detail, I had the beginnings of a sore throat just before catching a very nasty stomach bug that surfaced this time last week, on Saturday night. The combination left me extremely weak and very much worse for wear, and even after recovering from that weekend from hell, it ultimately culminated in an agonizingly bad throat infection that lasted the rest of the week, denied me sleep, and has only started abating as of this morning.

Both episodes came dangerously close to delaying major stages in my transition journey, even after enjoying an entire year of decent physical health. The timing was abysmal.

The final major appointment for obtaining my HRT prescription was set for Monday morning, meaning that I had just about 24 hours to recover from a very unpleasant and physically draining night. Rescheduling would more than likely result in postponing the process by another 6 months, and I couldn't get confirmation on whether or not an exception could be made for me for a followup session any sooner than that.

Fortunately, this didn't stop me. I was definitely worse for wear and very much running on fumes given that I hadn't eaten any solid food in over a day, but I went in with my head held high, knowing exactly what I wanted from the doctor, and how to ask for it. After another week of agony and discomfort, I had a secondary appointment at the hospital just this morning, which wasn't quite as mission critical but that I needed to do before starting on HRT, and wanted to get done for my own sake.

With that done, I now have the all-clear to start medically transitioning. Just about a year late, thanks to my depression and the slow government process, but I finally got there. The timing might not have been what I wanted when I first set out on this journey, but in hindsight it all worked out well enough in the end. All that's left is to receive my entitlement letter for the meds, fill out some final paperwork with my doctor, and I'm off to the races.

Reflecting on all this while sitting here this afternoon, I came to the pleasant realization that despite spending an entire week struggling with and recovering from a lot of illness, I still managed to get past what are effectively two major milestones and barriers to entry for something I've wanted for several years already, and it's all very surreal to me right now.

The start of my TF into a bunnygirl is right around the corner. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited.

Hi everyone. I've been quiet following my last announcement.

I'll cut right to the chase - I've fucked everything up. I seriously hurt some of my partners and closest friends with my recent actions and caused a lot of lasting harm to many of those who've been most supportive of me for the past several years.

Without going into specifics or over-explaining things, quite simply: I betrayed the trust and disregarded the feelings of those I love the most in an egregious way. To make matters worse, it had a knock-on effect which caused a massive rift within several groups we shared.

I've done what I can to own up to my mistakes and try to help wherever possible, but the damage has been done and there's no way for me to take it back. I'm working on myself to figure out why this happened and how to avoid it in future, and slowly salvage my friends' trust after undermining it with my actions.

I'm choosing not to name names because while I think I can trust folks not to bother them about this, I don't want to risk it. I am taking responsibility for what I've done and working on accepting the consequences, as painful as that may be.

I didn't write this to ask for pity or support. It just didn't feel right being active online again without at least addressing the situation and why I've been absent.

Don't do like I did. Communicate actively with your partners.

"Thank you for being there for me and holding onto the tiny spark of hope that gets smothered by my fear."

This was recently inspired from a moment of clarity, following a stressful situation that a close friend helped talk me through, and reassure me while I was on the verge of spiraling.

A while back, I had a session with my therapist in which she urged me to spend some time acknowledging my journey and successes over the past year or so. It just so happened that the day before, I was scrolling through my chatlogs with another friend, where I rediscovered a message I'd sent them when I was at one of the lowest points of my depression.

"I don't know how I'm going to get better" was the gist of it.

Thinking about that literally, if I genuinely believed that I didn't have a path to recovery… Well, let's just say I can only conclude that even at the time, I still had some tiny spark of hope that I would get better. The alternative isn't worth considering. Talking it through with my therapist really drove that fact home, and it was quite the realization.

This represents the help I got with holding onto that glimmer I had deep down inside, even if I couldn't see it then.

Around the middle of last year, I had a series of stressful events trigger a very real sense of crisis in me. This is that feeling put to paper, if only so I can both put it behind me and always remember where I'd gotten to from neglecting myself for so long.

In hindsight, the actual issues seem like they should've been trivial, if only a tad frustrating, but given that they caused one or more panic attacks (I wasn't aware of it at the time) it rightly gave pause for consideration, particularly as to why I reacted so adversely to them.

Following some reflection, communication, and lots of therapy, I've gotten to where I am today. While there were many other factors leading up to it, I consider this one event to be the turning point when dealing with my personal identity and considering my transition. I certainly could've benefitted from therapy a long while before then, but I wouldn't have known how to make the most of it without having experienced that crisis first.

Thinking back, there's a lot of what-ifs that spring to mind, but it's not worth considering it any more. I've committed to my path, I feel happier than ever, and at this point there's no better way for me to go than forwards.

Both my art-related Christmas streams unfortunately had to be cancelled due to serious technical issues, but I didn't want to let the year end without making something to mark the occasion.

This year has been difficult for me, to say the least. I've learned more about myself within the past 6 months than I feel I've done in the preceding decade or so. It's led to several very difficult decisions, some of which I've yet to tackle and plan to do so imminently. It's honestly rather terrifying.

On that note, it's been frustrating that I've had to keep things so close to my chest while working on myself lately. Getting regular psychotherapy has been absolutely key in helping me figure things out, but it's been a long, slow and arduous process and the secrecy over and above that is exhausting. I'm eager to get back to being as open as I like, and sharing some of the good news that I hope will be soon to follow; especially given the seemingly unending support I've gotten from all of you.

Despite all the challenges, I'm still proud of myself and want to keep fighting and striving for what I want and where I want to be. I genuinely mean it when I say that I would not be here if not for all your contributions and enthusiasm, so thank you.

I hope the start of your year is at least a little easier on you all than it will be for me, and I'll see you again in 2022 for the next chapter in this crazy saga of mine.

Love you all.

The other day I found myself in what I could only describe as the "perfectly inspired mental state," feeling like my whole brain was buzzing with energy and all sorts of ephemeral feelings that I could barely grasp.

All I was missing was one coherent concept - that's where the struggle began - but the real kicker came while looking for references. I was just trying to experiment with what little slivers of inspiration I could pin down for long enough to use, like some weird money booth made for ideas.

I found out something rather unfortunate about the subject I'd picked to work on, and that was that. I was upset and thrown completely off, but luckily, still not quite enough to stop me from making this bit of vent art.