Happy TDoV, everyone. This year's came with... A lot of new and somewhat overwhelming ((good)) experiences.

I'll start with the post I'd originally planned to make, and save the big announcement I ended up adding last-minute for second. Make sure not to click away before you scroll all the way down cause I wouldn't want anyone to miss it.

For most of the past year I've been putting a lot of thought and effort into bettering myself. Not just insofar as my transition, career, and relationship goals, but to make sure I don't make any awful mistakes like the ones I made last year while doing all of those same things.

I've always been suspicious of myself as someone who's just overcompensating for my awfulness just beneath the surface. That I'm ultimately doing what I do purely for my own benefit, and if left to my own devices I'd run amok and damn the consequences. On the one hand, admitting to this makes me feel like I'm victimizing myself despite being the instigator, but on the other, realizing that I could and did cause real, lasting harm to others - especially those I should've cared for the most - did result in real trauma for me, too.

I know I've regained a lot of the trust I lost since then, but the carelessness that led to me losing it in the first place makes me feel like there's still something out of view that I might not have considered. The harder I push and the further I get towards being who I want to be - and be seen as - then the worse it'll get if, and when, I slip up again.

With that out of my system, let's move onto happier things.

As some of you know, this week has been... A journey. I genuinely don't think that I'm the same person I was last Sunday.

I've done a lot of reflecting on my experiences lately and honestly, the way that some of the things that happened came together in one fell swoop still feels surreal to me. It's almost as if, had anything gone any differently, I wouldn't be here right now, sharing this with you.

On that note, I'll stop rambling and spill the beans. The picture, quite literally, speaks for itself well enough.

I genuinely hope the day's treated you all kindly and even if it wasn't a great time, that you had a little bit of peace and quiet.

Where have I been? Short answer is "Christmas."

I've been a little swept up off my feet the last couple weeks, mostly in a good way. The minute I finished up the art I had due for Christmas day, I moved on to the next thing and that was a laundry list of things my family needed me to, and that I wanted to do for them.

It's been exhausting but very rewarding too, and I got the last payoff I'd been waiting for just today. My mom suggested I make a montage to commemorate my younger nephew's first year with us and it just kinda blew up into a whole thing for the entire family instead.

Wasn't easy to do - in both a practical and emotional way - but I'm very glad that I could pull it off.

There were a bunch of other technical projects around the house that I'd either been putting off or that cropped up last minute, and if you know anything about my relationship with tech you'll probably guess how easy and straightforward those tasks ended up being.

How's this left me?

I've been just about entirely offline from social media for the past week or so, only interacting regularly with folks on my Telegram group chat and Discord server. I may have been a tad burnt out from the effort I put in and crashing as hard as I did right after, but I've taken good care of myself since then.

HRT has been kicking in a bit, but so far it's mostly been psychological effects. Nothing I haven't managed to handle, but it's still taken some more spoons to stay on top of things on that front too. Let's just say that it's been a bit of an adventure, but it's certainly one I've been preparing for for a very long time now. Get therapy if you have access to it.

So what's next?

TL;DR is that I got a lot planned and am really excited to get back into the swing of things.

I have something special coming up for myself and some close friends to roll in the new year, but that shouldn't stop me getting started sooner rather than later.

I got a decent backlog of some really fun commissions to finish up, as well as post up for y'all to enjoy, but also a lot of crowdfunded projects I've been wanting to dust off and get rolling for absolutely ages now.

There's really never a dull moment with what I do and just about entirely a case of how much time I can/am able to put into things and which of the several projects I wanna work on will get it.

I will take one last second to remind you that I am a crowdfunded artist and supported by a wonderful community of folks here, on my site. The better it does, the less time I have to worry about making ends meet and the more time I have left over to focus on just making cool stuff to share with y'all.

Even if you can't afford that, I appreciate you following and enjoying my art in any way you can. Thanks for helping me turn what could've been an absolutely disastrous year into one where I learned so much about, and worked hard on improving myself too.

I feel like I'm in a great position to finally get to where I've been striving to be for the past 8 years or so, and I'm hoping it'll lead to more and better work from me for you all to enjoy real soon.

I can't fuckin' wait.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it brings good things to you all.

I needed to spend some time processing what the whole Patreon debacle did to me, personally, now that the dust has settled a little bit.

I've spent a couple of frantic days scrabbling for the best solutions I could suggest, posting them everywhere, and discussing them with folks trying to mitigate the harm Patreon inflicted on so many of our valued community members in one fell swoop. But now I need to disengage and let people handle it for themselves. They know where to reach me if I'm still needed.

I'm not sure what the optics will be of me making this blog post private, but frankly I don't want to seem like this is something most people ought to care too much about, especially right now. I'm writing for my own sake, and all of you who are subscribed to my site have shown an interest in seeing and supporting the things I create for myself, so it felt worth sharing with you especially since it's also relevant to this site's history.

I'll start from the basic facts; where it pretty much all started for me two days ago. I initially felt pretty badly put out by how many folks got hit by this. It was clear to me that my frequent warnings and having moved off the platform literally 4 whole years ago had fallen entirely on deaf ears. Some people revealed that they still hadn't even realized I had started my own website when they replied to my advice on what to do post-ban.

Furthermore, the transition process was especially agonizing (haha, trans analogies go brr), since I had to do it mostly without the help of any of my peers, and entirely thanks to a handful of close friends. They were really who came in clutch with figuring out how I'm gonna pull this whole thing off, but for a very long time since then it's felt like I've had to fight tooth and nail to slowly, gradually claw back my patronage.

Since so many people were hit so hard by this at the same time, suddenly the entire community was mobilizing to figure shit out together and follow their favourite artists wherever they may go.

Being completely honest with myself; the difference in the response still feels really alienating to me.

I did eventually come to my senses and figured it couldn't hurt to just post what I knew, if only for the sake of it. Frankly, at the very least I could sit with my own conscience knowing that I tried, even if it didn't really end up helping anybody. It felt too hypocritical of me to always talk a big game about practicing community solidarity, and then sit around moping cause I got ignored that one time. Plus, people were already dealing with enough without me being salty about it too - not that that mattered - but my chastising and complaints certainly weren't going to be useful to anybody right then and there.

Now, though?

Just last night, I celebrated my first day taking HRT (see, it was a relevant allusion), and it really served me well as a key moment; a milestone that got me to put my feet back on the ground and look back at how far I've come. Celebrating such an outwardly innocuous moment - taking a couple of pills - in such an overt and affirming way, made me consider how, despite having dropped everything to try and help out, I can just go back to my work two days after the hammer came down.

I was prepared for this fucking ages ago, and now I can spend my time feeling proud of what I achieved before anyone was even considering it, instead of running around with my head on fire.

I tend to feel like a bit of a renegade at times (I know that sounds melodramatic, just please let me have this right now) even within our rebellious and counterculture community, but that only makes me love and appreciate all the more this little niche I've carved out for myself, and especially all the debaucherous little critters I've attracted to my kinky-ass fuckin' powwow.

Today, the site is doing better than it ever has in its entire lifetime. I really want to take this moment to emphasize the fact that, despite all my frustrations with the community at large, you lot - every single one of you who can (but also might not) read this - are who made it all possible. It might not have been easy, but if not for your steadfast support and belief in me, I'd have given up long ago. I probably would've been watching this whole event unfold from even farther out on the periphery, having gotten completely squeezed out of the crowdfunding business before I had a second chance like everybody else.

Last month was the site's fourth Yeariversary. While I was too busy to acknowledge it directly, pumping out daily uploads of really good and fucking horny artwork that I'm very proud of is probably the best way I could think to celebrate it.

Thank you for joining in and stoking the flames so the party can keep on going. I owe y'all a lot, but for right now, I'm content to sit on my laurels for a bit and feel some pride in the fact that I can resume business as usual real soon. I saw this shit coming miles away and got the hell outta dodge, so now I get to reap the benefits for myself and relax a lot sooner than I otherwise would've been able to.

Hey, if you're relatively new to my site, I would like to invite you to join me in celebrating its history and check out some of the older content I've posted here cause there's quite a lot of it! Granted, most of it has been posted publicly by now, but it's at a higher quality and all in one neat and tidy place that's easy to browse. Enjoy!

I've been terribly ill this past week, and even still it hasn't stopped me from moving forwards.

Without going into too much detail, I had the beginnings of a sore throat just before catching a very nasty stomach bug that surfaced this time last week, on Saturday night. The combination left me extremely weak and very much worse for wear, and even after recovering from that weekend from hell, it ultimately culminated in an agonizingly bad throat infection that lasted the rest of the week, denied me sleep, and has only started abating as of this morning.

Both episodes came dangerously close to delaying major stages in my transition journey, even after enjoying an entire year of decent physical health. The timing was abysmal.

The final major appointment for obtaining my HRT prescription was set for Monday morning, meaning that I had just about 24 hours to recover from a very unpleasant and physically draining night. Rescheduling would more than likely result in postponing the process by another 6 months, and I couldn't get confirmation on whether or not an exception could be made for me for a followup session any sooner than that.

Fortunately, this didn't stop me. I was definitely worse for wear and very much running on fumes given that I hadn't eaten any solid food in over a day, but I went in with my head held high, knowing exactly what I wanted from the doctor, and how to ask for it. After another week of agony and discomfort, I had a secondary appointment at the hospital just this morning, which wasn't quite as mission critical but that I needed to do before starting on HRT, and wanted to get done for my own sake.

With that done, I now have the all-clear to start medically transitioning. Just about a year late, thanks to my depression and the slow government process, but I finally got there. The timing might not have been what I wanted when I first set out on this journey, but in hindsight it all worked out well enough in the end. All that's left is to receive my entitlement letter for the meds, fill out some final paperwork with my doctor, and I'm off to the races.

Reflecting on all this while sitting here this afternoon, I came to the pleasant realization that despite spending an entire week struggling with and recovering from a lot of illness, I still managed to get past what are effectively two major milestones and barriers to entry for something I've wanted for several years already, and it's all very surreal to me right now.

The start of my TF into a bunnygirl is right around the corner. Needless to say, I'm pretty excited.

Hi everyone. I've been quiet following my last announcement.

I'll cut right to the chase - I've fucked everything up. I seriously hurt some of my partners and closest friends with my recent actions and caused a lot of lasting harm to many of those who've been most supportive of me for the past several years.

Without going into specifics or over-explaining things, quite simply: I betrayed the trust and disregarded the feelings of those I love the most in an egregious way. To make matters worse, it had a knock-on effect which caused a massive rift within several groups we shared.

I've done what I can to own up to my mistakes and try to help wherever possible, but the damage has been done and there's no way for me to take it back. I'm working on myself to figure out why this happened and how to avoid it in future, and slowly salvage my friends' trust after undermining it with my actions.

I'm choosing not to name names because while I think I can trust folks not to bother them about this, I don't want to risk it. I am taking responsibility for what I've done and working on accepting the consequences, as painful as that may be.

I didn't write this to ask for pity or support. It just didn't feel right being active online again without at least addressing the situation and why I've been absent.

Don't do like I did. Communicate actively with your partners.

I wasn't originally going to post this on here but after it turned into a set of illustrations I figured it was worth putting up the high res versions where you all could see them in better quality.

Today (yesterday for me, at this point) "was" Transgender Day of Visibility. Last year's was a little tenuous for me given that I was still coming to terms with things and not realizing what was just around the corner, but since I've bounced back a bit this month I've been able to put more thought and consideration into my identity and where I want to go with my transition.

It hasn't been easy.

I felt it was worth channeling my thoughts and feelings into some art, and this is what resulted. As you may have already seen, I posted it on all my public galleries with the caption,

"I'm not sure when I'll truly ever be ready to be seen."

What followed was an outpouring of support that I genuinely was not expecting. I was somewhat overwhelmed with the kindness and encouraging things everyone sent my way, and it really cleared my mind of all the doubts I'd been having about myself all day.

It might not make any of the steps ahead of me any easier, but it's reassuring to know that despite all the horrible nonsense going on out there, I'm in a place where I've got the right people keeping an eye on me for now.

Thanks everyone.

Hey everyone. I apologize for neglecting the site the past few months but it felt like further updates would amount to much of the same from the previous two. I've kind of settled into a bit of a routine since then - a little more about that later on.

I first wanted to at least dedicate some time to express just how much your continued support means to me, and what a difference it's made over the course of what's easily been one of the hardest years of my life. While I've never boasted a massive following, I am really fortunate to have the people I do backing me up and I don't take it for granted. I'm conscious of the long hiatus I've been on, but the lack of pressure to rush back into things has given me the space to heal as gradually as I need to. That's not been lost on me, and I feel like I'm gradually growing more eager and able to get back in the saddle and creating again for you all.

I cannot understate how much I wish all the best for you, your friends and family this festive season, and I hope to make good on your generosity and patience as soon as I can manage.

My personal progress overall has admittedly been slow, certainly slower than I'd like it to be, but I've come quite far from the state I was in back in June. My daily routine and general attitude have notably improved, and while I still feel miles away from where I was hoping to be at the start of the year, I'm regaining a sense of hope and optimism for working towards my goals again soon.

Thank you once again for making things so much easier for me during this difficult time. I'm working hard on making a return to form, as I miss it terribly. See you next year.

Figured it was high time to write another blog post, at the very least to let you all know that I'm still kicking. This one will be a shorter update than the last, but still worth making.

I want to start by thanking you again for your continued support. I feel a little guilty accepting pledges since I've been caught up with my recovery, but the contributions really do help a lot. I have every intention of getting back into things as soon as I can manage, and I'm certainly looking forward to it just as much as you all are too.

Admittedly, my recovery has been rather slow. Depression is a hell of a thing to deal with; everything feels dulled, and difficult, and not worth the effort, and even positive experiences are lost to the muted mental state that it keeps you in. That said I've still been getting better, bit by bit, and doing my best not to let it hold me down forever. I've felt like myself again more and more frequently every week, and while things have gone a little back and forth, I'm hoping that the overall trend continues without any major issues. I'm taking some bigger steps towards fixing what's led me to this state and, while it hasn't been easy, it should give me something new to work towards and look forward to.

On that note, my other job has been going well enough since starting last month. It's provided several new experiences already, while helping me stabilize myself financially. If things keep going smoothly, I should be able to refocus my efforts and start drawing again in my spare time; perhaps I could manage some sketches for you to enjoy, until I can take on bigger projects once more.

Thanks again, everyone. You're the best.

Hi again everyone, sorry it's been a while. This is gonna be a heavy one, but I feel I need to open up about what's been going on with me, and especially what my next steps are looking like. I wish I had better news to share, but I figured I was overdue for an update to at least explain some recent developments.

I'll cut right to the chase; I've been trying to give myself room to heal and recover at a sensible pace, but things have been very difficult for me still and depression has kept me low. Your patience and continued support has let me get back on my feet without rushing too much, and I cannot overstate just how helpful it's been throughout this tough time. I've been making slow, gradual progress, but my mental state has proven complex and frustrating to deal with.

For the past two months or so, I've been moving out from living with my ex. It was bad enough to deal with the emotional weight of splitting up after 9 years together, but just as we were about to gear up and clear out, she also had some horrible news to contend with herself - her father suddenly got very ill, and he passed away earlier this week. I went to the funeral just this morning. While we were still living together I did my best to help her through this terrible time, and although we were mutually supportive of one another, you can imagine that what little I could do for her took its toll on me.

The move has since been progressing well enough despite how difficult it's been, and while there's a little further left to go before it's all done, I'm now living elsewhere. Distancing myself a little and with plenty of help and support I've been making a slow recovery, but it's still not been without its challenges and setbacks. Depression knocked me down hard, and reaching any sort of functional normal, even at a level comparable to when I wasn't at my best in the first place, has been really hard.

Despite all of that, the pressure to get back in the saddle with work has been mounting, and there's a few unfortunate issues that need addressing. Basically, working as a freelance artist doesn't seem to be working out for me. Maybe I didn't produce enough content to draw in an audience to the site, and didn't get enough commissions done to compensate and make this viable. Whatever the case, I've not been able to support myself very well for a while now, and it's caused some stress.

For this reason, I've been looking for a job to get myself financially stable again, and I will be pursuing art as a sideline instead of on a full-time basis.

It genuinely pains me to have to do this, but I've struggled to maintain my productivity at a sufficient level for a long time now and need to be realistic about my situation. I don't want to abandon my craft; I've been genuinely missing it lately and have every intention of picking things up again as soon as I possibly can. That having been said, I completely understand if you will reconsider your pledge to the site as a result of this change.

On that note, I've likely already found myself a part-time game design gig with the help of a local friend of mine. It shouldn't take up a huge amount of my time and gives me an opportunity to bolster my cashflow while working on something that's relevant to my interests. The goal is for me to regain some confidence without draining my energy too much, and allowing me to focus on my art, if a little less frequently, without as much concern about whether or not I'm making enough money from it.

I'm sorry if this is disappointing news, but I'm extremely grateful if you decide to stick around in spite of this development. I look forward to sharing some new art with you all really soon. Thanks again.

I'm sorry. Things have been extremely difficult for me lately, and I just got another curveball thrown my way. Although I'm still fighting, I feel like the effort I can make is waning every day and leaving little over for myself and my artwork.

I figured it was sensible to mention this in case anyone is wondering about the lack of new content here, especially if you'd like to reconsider your pledge in light of that. I don't enjoy going on hiatuses like this and it feels like my work ought to take higher priority, but even without being overly dramatic, some days I've felt like I'm barely hanging on.

I've got another therapy session set for tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll give me some mental clarity, but I thought it might be best to post about all of this while it's current.

I'm still fighting and doing the best I can, but it's felt far, far harder for me than it has any business being and I'm running chronically low on stamina. I wish I could be stronger than this, but not being given the time I need to heal, and effectively getting kicked while I'm down is hardly conducive to me feeling happy and creative. I genuinely want to get back on the saddle as soon as I can, but I've got a lot on my plate; personally, mentally, emotionally, that I need to deal with.

I might have moments of ease when I might get some stuff done, but until I regain some stability I don't feel like I can make any real promises.

For the time being, I'm really grateful for your patience and continued support. Thank you.

I just got back from what was meant to be a working vacation for CFz, but things didn't quite work out as planned. I'm feeling good all things considered, but there's a lot to process and as always I don't feel like there's nearly enough time for me to do so in a productive way. I figured that taking some time to comb through those thoughts and feelings might help, even if a little bit.

(If you'd like to know what's been going on but lack the time to read through everything, I've included a short summary at the end of the post cause I realize this is quite long)

As I mentioned at the time, I caught Covid at the con, which affected me quite badly after I got back to my partner's place. While I didn't have the worst symptoms, having to self-isolate didn't come at the best time. I don't want to risk overstating things, but being left alone with my own thoughts for what was effectively a whole week was really rough on my mental health. I'd just been dropped back into normality from a long weekend full of affirming, comforting experiences where I could be my true self, and that was already hard to deal with by itself.

To make matters worse, while I was isolating I also learned that my longer-term plans of living in the UK were somewhat compromised. I've been wanting to spend more time there to be closer to my furry friends and poly partners, and get more of the same affirmation and reassurance that I got from the con into my everyday life. Realizing that it wasn't going to be nearly as easy as I'd anticipated was a shock, to say the least. I've still got to do more research into my exact situation to find out if I have any other options, but from what I've seen it seems I'd need to get a work visa at the very least in order to live there long-term, which means I'd have to get a job.

I've never been good at juggling multiple commitments at once - namely school or a full time job, plus doing art on the side - so this course of action would effectively mean changing my job from doing art to whatever I'm lucky enough to even find, let alone get accepted for.

To clarify where this exactly led me to, it felt like I had to make a choice between my ideal living situation and my ideal working situation. I've put more thought into things since then and it's perhaps not quite as stark a choice as that, but it still feels like I'm getting closer and closer to being forced to stop working full time on my own art and that's frankly a terrifying prospect. Having it pitted against my other personal needs only makes things worse.

Like I said, I still need to conduct some more research into whether I have any alternative options, but the resources I found on the UK Government website make it clear that I'm restricted in what I can do as far as living within the country, especially as a freelance artist. If you have any knowledge or advice on the matter or know someone who can help, I would greatly appreciate it if you could get in touch.

In other somewhat related news, progress with transitioning has felt slow, but somewhat steady. Getting to experiment openly at the con did a lot of good for me, and it affirmed (and validated) a lot of my wants and needs in the process. The return trip home was hard on me, but I realized that it was because I felt like I was going back to my "fake life," which I've grown tired of maintaining.

As a result, I decided to come out to my parents far earlier than I'd been planning, which I did just yesterday. It went well, and although their reactions were somewhat measured, the experience was positive and they're clearly being as supportive as they can despite having their own hangups and concerns. I also got word back from the gendercare clinic for my endocrinologist's appointment, which I think will involve some initial tests to get me started on HRT. It's in October, so still a little ways off, but I realize this is far and away a quicker turnaround than many trans folks have to deal with.

Being still at the very start of my long journey is daunting and frankly quite terrifying, and I'm having to fight against my own consistent lack of stamina in putting up with even the most minor of setbacks and challenges. The constant self doubt and dysphoria certainly don't help either, so it all adds up to what feels like a very arduous process despite having made good strides with starting on things.

Next; within the next two months, I'll be moving again. Realizing I'm trans led to me breaking up with one of my partners, who I currently still live with, and while things are thankfully still amicable between us, we knew we'd have to sort out our own living arrangements if we were going to move on in a healthy way. It's happening a little more quickly than I'd anticipated, but I'd rather rip that bandaid off quickly than spending more time and money to maintain a situation which is not that ideal for either of us.

I'm going to do my best not to let it get too much in the way of work cause my output has not been great even without these regular disruptions, but I'm not quite out of the woods just yet. This is all to get me to a place where I can do things at my own pace and hopefully maintain my momentum a little better too, so it will be a worthwhile effort.

As a brief but related aside; while spending time with my partner and watching some stuff together, I had a moment of agonizing clarity that it's felt like ages since I last had genuine fun while doing my work.

It's very much an issue related to (and caused by) all the other things I've been having to deal with in my life lately, but it's also a matter of my own state of mind. I'm not good at being present in the moment, so even when I'm actually achieving what I want and doing good at it, I'm distracted by worries and thoughts about other problems I'm faced with, or will have to deal with later on. It might take time to fix and has affected my work for a while now, but I'm aware of the issue and want to regain that sense of excitement about what I do. I really miss it.

In short summary;
CFz was great for me, Covid knocked me down from that really hard; I realized that I won't be able to live in the UK as easily as I'd hoped, which was very upsetting to learn (any help and advice is welcome); As a result I'm feeling like I'm getting closer to having to move on from doing furry art full time; I came out to my parents as trans and it went well; I should start HRT around October; I'm moving again starting from next month; and in light of all that, I feel like I've lost my spark while doing what matters most to me - my art.

It's been a hell of a lot to take on and very, very confusing to say the least. The constant conflict between maintaining a positive outlook and dealing with the setbacks and doubts has been difficult, especially given that they're issues related to my most closely held wants and needs. I'm trying to keep myself focused on what I can do to get the best outcomes possible, but compromising really isn't easy for me and can often feel like an all-or-nothing decision, even if the alternative is still a fairly good option.

Caught it at CFz.

Not gonna sugarcoat it but at least the symptoms aren't too bad. Thank goodness for the vaccine.

Wish I could use the time somewhat productively but work will unfortunately be held up for a week or two again, at this rate.

Sorry.