Last week, before my birthday, I had a rather bad day I'd spent dealing with a barrage of intrusive and self-destructive thoughts.

I had a stream scheduled that same evening and didn't think I could handle drawing for an audience, but I powered through it and got this done. I don't think I've ever gotten so upset after finishing a piece, but that's what happened. I actually had to stop looking at it once I closed off the stream because it cut so deep, despite being so unassuming. Fortunately several friends came in clutch and cheered me up before I called it for the night, so the day didn't end on a bad note.

That said, this is still very much a relatable mood on days when I'm struggling to stay on top of my mental health.

Okay so I lied, that wasn't the finale. But hey, this is a proper good ending this time.

Last night my parents were having family over for a big dinner, and since a couple of my aunts who I hadn't seen in many months were gonna be there too, I decided to turn up - like, really turn up, you know. I wanted to surprise them, since one of them is my godmother and neither of them had seen me for a long time since I came out as trans.

Their reaction wasn't quite as pronounced as I'll admit I'd hoped it'd be, but the way they just accepted it as if it was perfectly normal was just as reassuring to me. Moments after showing up I was talking to one of them about the time I've had transitioning, and she didn't bat an eyelid at all the stuff I was saying to her. I felt comfortable.

My other aunt even said she thought I was my mother at first glance, which I believe is now the strangest, yet still gender affirming compliment I've gotten to date (fortunately, I like my mom).

Despite the slightly subdued welcome, for the rest of the evening I was absolutely buzzing with gender euphoria. Every time I went to the bathroom I met myself with a smile in the mirror; and I mean a genuinely happy smile, not the kind where you're just putting on a brave face and keeping it together (not that I'd know what those are like, *nervous laugh*). I don't think I took as many selfies as I did the last time I put on makeup - but I definitely came close.

Once everyone had gone home and I was done helping clear up the mess, I sat back down at my desk with an idea bouncing around excitedly in my head. I was feeling on the edge of exhaustion, but I needed to get it done while the feeling was still so fresh and vivid in my mind.

I joined my Discord server and folks started trickling in. I distracted myself with the decidedly rambunctious company time and time again, but around 5 hours and a lot of lovely, lively conversations later, this is what I had. I made this all while still wearing my makeup and the same outfit from that lovely evening, and it felt so fucking great.

I couldn't leave out my good friend Gender Dysphoria, since this felt like the perfect way to show the fucker up and put it in its place. I also figured it'd be a fun way to show how good vibes affect it (thinking about it, it very much feels like an inverse version of Soul Choco, but that shouldn't be too surprising). That said, I didn't like him cramping my style too much either, so I slightly altered the piece to make a version that looks like a standard selfie I might've taken bunself (which I did do).

This gives the series a better sense of closure to me, at least for now, but it's honestly been quite the trip taking little snapshots of my personal, emotional and mental state over the span of the busy week. I hope you've enjoyed following along with this visual journal of mine, as I'm quite sure it won't be the last of its kind.

I'll start off this post by saying I'm doing fine now; although this part is related to some feelings that need deeper investigation and work, it's not as bad as what I illustrated I was going through at the start of this series.

A couple of nights ago, once I'd cleared my mental processes of the anxiety and fear that was stopping me from making things, some feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt started creeping in again. At the time I didn't really know what they meant nor where they were coming from, but the very next morning (which would be yesterday) it dawned on me and I knew exactly what I needed to draw.

Therapy set me straight on a lot of what was plaguing me, but I still wanted to see this final part of the trilogy through as I felt like it showed the other major aspect to my personal dysfunctions and insecurities, which was just as important for me to get down on paper.

I don't expect this particular saga to go on much further, if at all, this time around; but this certainly won't be the last time we see the dysfunctions turn up again, especially in my art.

That said, "this last time" also involved a bonus "Finale" that was suggested by my friend Plushie. In her own words, "Draw me helping you kick the shit out of 'im." Once I realized what I could do with it, the rest of it just fell into place as a fun, silly little ending to tie things off. Please don't feel bad for it, it'll be fine.

PS: Yes, it's also a Jojo reference.

PPS: This isn't the actual finale.

Following closely from last week after venting all those awful pent up frustrations and insecurities yesterday;

This was today's vibe. I fucking ROCKED it.

I'll be back to posting new exclusive art for y'all in short order. Until then, sit tight; and as always, thanks for the support.

Later edit: This now also has a sequel.

This past week has been a near-constant struggle with staving off my own abject misery.

I returned from a trip at the start of the year feeling like I could take over the world, but got completely emotionally upended as soon as I got home last Sunday. Even after an entire week spent trying to recover, I've been feeling as motivated as when I was still depressed last year. It's been a lot to deal with, and I haven't been coping well.

This weekend was especially awful. Even though I had some time to myself that I hoped to put to use in getting back into the swing of things, I was absolutely not okay, and I wasn't making it easier on myself either. I resolved to at least write a journal post about what had been going on with me if I didn't manage to pull anything off by tonight, but an idea came to mind sometime in the afternoon and it stuck around long enough for me to get over the initial phase of intimidation.

This is both an explanation of why I think I've been spared the worst of my gender dysphoria over the years, and also a fairly accurate rendition of what I've been feeling like lately.

Being entirely honest? I'm really quite proud of how this one turned out. I actually drew all of the personal dysfunctions before I knew what each of them was going to be (with the exception of gender dysphoria) but they all just kinda made sense the way they ended up.

Next day edit: This now has a sequel.