Thank you for writing this. Genuinely. It took this long for me to get back to you because I wanted to give such a thoughtful comment its due attention.

I make my art to reach people with it, and if I’m being entirely honest and upfront about this piece in particular, I used it as a way to reach those who might like to do the same to me – almost as if I was courting them, proving myself to be a good subject.

I wanted them to know: I am receptive to induction. I can be put under. I do give good feedback. Maybe I was trying to prove a point to myself, too – not to forget about this intensely memorable experience, to leave it behind, to risk treating it like a brief moment of frivolous escapism. It was more than all of those things; it was foundational to my personal development – not just that I could have these experiences, but that I can and will be given them by those who care about me, and that I am brave and strong enough to ask for them, too.

Admittedly I’m still struggling with closing that loop on a regular basis even to this day. I had a conversation with some friends who are likewise into hypnosis just a little while ago; asking them how they would go about asking to be hypnotised. It feels like an imposition, even if it is something that folks are within our spaces to experience, to practice, to share in this common interest that we have.

I likewise sympathize with your feelings on that front – being surrounded by folks actively practicing such a wonderfully intimate activity together, one that involves such an intense level of trust, while I struggled to reach out and connect with folks in the same way.. It hurt, and still does, even though I’ve improved and learned a lot over the past year. It’s easy to feel like something’s wrong with you while watching others thrive and revel in it, seemingly without any trouble nor difficulty.

All I’ll say at this point is that I hope you’ll find your stride, and a space to explore and express this side of yourself too. It’s clearly an aspect that you cherish and treasure, and wish to grow, and realizing that is always an excellent place to start from.

First off, I’m sorry for bumping an old post for some heavy storytelling, Also, I REALLY appreciated this story; It hit me harder than it should have.

I feel myself in your shoes a lot. Hypnosis has been a fascination-turned-obsession of mine for at least a decade and a half. It’s inspired so much in my art, OCs, fantasies, etc. that I feel like it’s a sizeable part of my private identity.

At some point, the desire to experience hypnosis for myself grew. After some heavy research, I started making real attempts a few times each year to go into trance–relaxing myself, keeping an open mind, and following every instruction to the best of my ability. Whenever I failed, I tried to troubleshoot whatever was going wrong. Maybe I’m too distracted. Maybe I’m approaching this in the wrong mindset. Maybe this or that.

Nothing seems to put me under completely (or at all). I gave up often–sometimes because I felt defeated, and sometimes because I felt like I wasn’t engaging in a healthy manner. The series of failures have made me feel stupid, perhaps even an impostor, as if I’m trying to enjoy something that I don’t even understand. I often feel shackled, watching everybody else’s experiences through a glass window, wanting what they have and wondering what’s wrong with myself. For something that’s supposed to be so therapeutic, I have made it quite the contrary for myself.

Maybe I’m projecting, but I really feel like I understand how you felt. It must have been one of the the most validating experiences in your life. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier for someone that I’ve never met before. It really touched me.

But it also elicited another emotion in me that I haven’t quite experienced before–something like a manic frustration. I consider myself to be a pretty unstable person. I’m at a low point in my life, and the image of myself as a failure eats at me constantly. Hypnosis isn’t the sole cause of my negative feelings–probably not even in the top 5 causes. I think I’m frustrated because it’s meant so much to me for so long and I feel like I can’t engage in it properly. Perhaps it could even reverse some of the trauma I’ve been feeling.

I’m sorry for bothering you with this comment, if you ever go back to read it; I just needed an outlet and I don’t really have a good person to tell this to. I’ll probably regret typing this later. Tell myself that I’ll look stupid to other people. Tell myself I’m being dramatic. Tell myself that nobody cares or understands.

But I’m genuinely happy for you, and I really appreciated your story. Thank you.